Glad

that I got over some bitch in my life. I feel so freaking awesome with my life right now HAHA!
Getting good grades, no one to control me, no one that stresses me out, no one that eats my time and money. So long sucker! Hopefully your fat ass butch with his all mouth full can save your materialistic world. Looser.

Anyway, been wondering when am I going to travel like her. She's only 23 and she get to travel across Asia already. Oh well, being with her is somehow an awesome experience. Her bluish green grey eyes.. golden brown hair.. pointy nose.. sweet lips, soft and smooth skin, and of course.. her beautiful and seductive smile. Geez.. I miss the times that we spent together. =(
Unfortunately she had to go back. yeah.. forever alone again I guess? Nah, I still have my crazy friends here. =)

Yeah, I somehow got over with this procrastination shit thingy, but my friends are in this shit which makes me kinda worried. I know I'm not good in exams, that is why I strive to kill these assignments with good grades and exams I don't really have to worry. What I can say about exams is that, it doesn't show how experienced and knowledgeable a person. Some empty headed people that can memorize everything from a book just to pass that fucking exam, scored good grades, and when you ask them after some time later on, it's empty. So what's the point? I somehow feel ashamed if I get good grades, then people ask me for some opinion and answers but all I can give is "I don't know" or "no idea" or answers that doesn't make sense in order to make yourself "MR. KNOW IT ALL".

So having the title AR. doesn't mean you're a professional and an all knowing person. It only gives you the recognition and authority to certify projects. Imagine if I am an AR. and people asks me this and that but I can't give a shit. I don't feel offended but, I feel disappointed with myself, but of course, I will find the answers later on to improve myself. Why would anyone make the same mistake twice.

Holding up to that kind of standard of good grades result or titles should at least know more or specialize about it. Not just some dupe cakes who takes the exam and passes it and that's all. Mr Know Nothing in the end. I am talking according to my experience and perceptions.

Things that I've wanted to express out for so long.. a lot more. But I need to keep track of my time and do things timely. That's for now. Cheers.

I miss you..

sooo much..
there's never a day..
I can't stop thinking of you..
until now.. and so.. =,(

I know myself..
I will never forget you..
no matter how long it takes..
or even if I have a family in the future..
that it may not be you..

I'm not going to do anything..
I won't be fixing things..
Me being ripped by you and me fixing things?
No.

Not ego, but.. Just wanted to know..
Just wanted to make sure..
Who am I to you..
What do you still have for me..

<|3

my dum dum, my princess, my hunny bunny, my cutie pie, my everything is gone..
It's not that I need you, it's I want you..
I want you back so badly.. =,(

what's left of me is shattered pieces..
where I do not know..

will it be mended..
or never..

everything that happened..
is just like a dream..
how I wished it was..

another day passes by...

Another day..

Hmm.. Have been doing kinda lonely lately.. Not because of friends or family not around..
Just.. that, I miss someone's presence.. Well yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now.. Oh well.

Just another day passes by..

I felt like.. Hmm.. Wondering..

Secondhand Serenade - Why



The buttons on my phone are worn thin
I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.
But I've broken all my promises to you
I've broken all my promises to you.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

A phrasing that's a single tear,
Is harder than I ever feared
And you were left feeling so alone.
Because these days aren't easy
Like they have been once before
These days aren't easy anymore.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.

I should have known this wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel
What matters most? Everything
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.
I promise you I will bring you home
I will bring you home.

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.

i wish i never knew what love was...

i wish it remained a fairytale...

i wish it had never found me...

i wish to never feel it again...

i wish to go back in time and undo everything...

i wish i could go back and never meet you...

i wish i could go back and have never known your existence...

i wish i could lose this pain...

i wish its gone...

yeah...

I'm..

the 6th boyfriend with 6 letters.. KELVIN.
Haha...........................

Seriously I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me these few days...

It's sad..

to know.. the places that we used to be, and used to do..
but that someone is being with someone..
imagination and thought kills. indirectly.
I don't know..
WHY THE FUCK I CAN'T GET OVER YOU!
WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING LET THINGS GO!
WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT PROMISES MADE!
WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.. =,(

They said,
I don't know why you still can't get over her. Maybe you're too serious. That makes you loyal.
It's because your love is pure and sincere.
It's because you're way too mature and serious in relationships. You're the type that will keep on holding on no matter how hard it is, unless, something you really hate the most happens? Gotcha.
It's because you treat her as if she's everything to you. You're a beta right? Yeah!
It's because the length that you have gone through, isn't easy, but made it out alive. But someone gives up. That's why you're like this.
It's because the promises that you have made to her, you will really want to make it up to it, you have planned everything, and suddenly shit happens, you want things to get in line, but can't. You are frust, sad, disappointed right?

Well.. I take things seriously I do admit. Because I believe in one, those who have made it for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years.. And still holding hands eventhough their hair gone white..
It's not childish, different people different perspective.
Those who can't even handle pressure, gives up so easily, break promises, lies, curses people with foul words, only knows how to say with a big mouth.
Are the ones who are childish.

Another tiring day..
Expressing in anger and sorrow..

Hurt..

Deep inside.. Very much..
I want to forget you..
Is there any way of getting rid of the memories about you..
Why is it so hard for me to forget about you..
And so easy for you to do so..
Is it because I put my heart and soul onto you, but you're just words...
And when you're gone.. I feel like I just got ripped off..
Soulmate..? I guess when a person really put that person..
They love so much in that category..
And when that soulmate just leaves like that..
That person will really suffer in the end..
Really suffer..
I told you I am very serious in relationships..
I don't wanna get hurt again..
You promised me everything..
I trusted you..
And so I gave you everything..
Now.. I'm feeling all these shit again..
=,(

Am really trying..
to stand up..
=,(

Normal?

Am not, I've been trying hard to tell everyone that I'm actually okay,
so that they don't get worried about me.

I've not been myself for the past few weeks..
But I'm trying my best to hide things in order for them not to worry..

I've been thinking alot, and trying to think things out..
So that I don't have to think of the same thing.. over and over again..

I've been trying so many things to forget things..
Drunk? Way too many times.. But its just to lengthen the time in forgetting things..
For you maybe it's entertainment, moreover, he pays for it.
So just follow and give yourself huh?
I guess you're the beta now, and he's the alpha.
Btw I got to know, he didn't show up the other day. Very HEROIC indeed.
I did not plan everything, it is yours and his actions that made things so childishly lame and got you and him in trouble.
He is fucking lucky to have a sweet mom and dad, but he backstabs his own family business, and so, what about you?

It's not the remedy that I'm seeking..
I just want my half torn soul, at least to be stitched back to the way it was stitched..
It's gonna take years.. And hell yeah I know myself way too much.

Can I go back in time? Can I just ignore you the moment you came in?
Can I just be the hard ass guy who doesn't give a shit about girls?
Can I be cruel, ego, selfish, the myob type, don't fucking care about your needs, you wanna die, go ahead just don't involve me.. That kind of guy? Can I..? =,(

Why.. Whatever I did and have isn't enough? And FUCK! My playlist is now playing Your Call. Hmm, yeah. Born to tell you "I love you", how I wish I could change it to hate.. but.. oh well.. nvm.. CAN I KEEP GRUDGES INSTEAD OF FORGIVING PEOPLE?!!

Yeah, am torn to do what I have to do, Move on and don't look behind. Why issit so hard to do so.. =,( can I be a heartless player..? I don't wanna hurt myself again.. =,(

Tired of being alone and this solitary moment makes me want to go back home? Yeah, the home isn't referring house, but afterlife, somewhere beside the gates, can it be now...? At least for me.. =,(

Alone means alot. Not because of friends.. Not because of no one is there for you.. It's because you want that special person to be there with you, but not anymore.. That's the alone that I meant.

Thank you so much for everything..
Just another day of cloudy thoughts and memories..

Those

who fails to plan, plans to fail.
Don't let the unknowns lead you.

De

motivated.
Needs
Motivation.

=,(

My mum..

Well.. My mum is a loving and a very caring person..
She's very patient.. Thought me about life a lot..
Gotta admit though.. sometimes very annoying as she mumbles.. =.="
Honest, for the sake of making that person better.. It's not rude.
Ego and naive people would describe honesty like that.
I love my mum very much.. Just that.. I don't know how to express it..
But only do things for her that makes her life at ease at least, taking her from work.. sending her to work.. Bring her out, have breakfast together.. Spend time with her..
Well.. Patience is what she taught me the most.

Why all of a sudden..? Well.. something hit my head as I was listening to songs..
The moment she knows that "her" mum's shop got robbed, my mum straight away take money and pass it to me and lend it to "her". Keeps on asking me whether is it enough.. Eventhough she needs it for other stuff, but she told me that things can wait, but life goes on. Help those in "need", then only stuff that we "want". Needs and wants are 2 different things.

The moment she knows that "she" couldn't pay her college fees, my mum straight away wants to help out. Keeps on asking me when is the due date. So that she could plan what cannot be bought, and budgets that we need to limit.

Maybe people who rushes things, impatient, recklessly do things..
Get themselves screwed up..

There's always alternative.
Where there's a will, there's a way.

Anyhow, things that are done are of no regrets.
What's done is done.

Wounds, left to be rejuvenated by time,
Scars, left to haunt in life.

Anyway, I love my mum very much.
The best mum in my eyes, my life and my world. =)

I didn't..

Not totally..
I'm still holding onto something..
That is why I felt hurt instead of happy when..
Rumors.. Stories.. Whispers..
I stopped. Thoughts. Runs. Wild.
Wanders into timeless space..

Just another day passes by.
Oh well..

Dammit =,(

is it so hard to forget a person?!!!
fuck it! why can't I just let go off things..
why must she influence my life that much..
and now that shes gone..
I feel like.. my soul just got torn into half..
shattered into pieces..
and yeah.. I need to fix it back by myself AGAIN!
thank you so much for making me believed, build, and crumbled, hard..
trusted a person so much.. gave her everything..
and this is what happens.. oh well..
fuck me for being so stupid and blind..

anyhow.. this song is something that I wanted to play for her..
a surprise.. but.. oh well.. fuck it! =,(
anyway.. enjoy readers!
hope you guys like it..




Your Call by Secondhand Serenade

just another day..
of thoughts..
and memories..
that passes by..
like the clouds..

Why?

Another call from her?
Wondering what is it this time..
I didn't pick up, that's why..

Anyhow, I got a feeling it's gonna be all cursing and foul words..
Probably something happened..
Throwing tantrum and blaming me is the only cure..?

I guess she got used to that last time,
and now that we're over,
she still wants to do it to me huh?

I'm guessing, she doesn't do it to her current bf,
is because, shes afraid..
that the golden pig might run away.. LOL!

Anyhow anyway, I don't know.
What happened to you has nothing to do with me,
be responsible of what you did.

What goes around, comes around.
Think widely, think out of the box,
It may come in any form to make your life miserable.

And, don't always think,
I'm the one who made your life miserable,
you should know everything actually comes from you, yourself.

I told you a thousand times, about your attitude, your actions.
It's not about changing you,
it is for your own good, but you never listened.

Oh well..

So don't ever call me again.
Seriously, I won't pick up your calls.
You chose this path, so be responsible.

It's not that I'm a coward,
I just don't want to hear your voice..
I've been saying this in my previous post about you.

Btw, I'm innocent, just living my college life,
Where I have more stuff to care about than bothering your life.
So don't screw me for nothing again.

Home...

I'm gonna miss you again..
Haish, assignments, assignments, and assignments.

Oh well, Architectural Studio is seriously like my "home" already =.="

The Box.

Thinking of boxes.. Hmm.

Huh? No no, not these kind of boxes!











Hmm.. Let's try to think outside!














I mean, really outside..













Visualize..

Okay, a box!










Lets see..











Try cut some exterior walls..













Making some spaces visible..

Hmm.. too simple..














Lets try..













Removing.. Some volume..













By cutting through..

Hmm.. Cutting like this.. erm..
















Doesn't look interesting to me..















Lets try..

















More than 1 box..
















Maybe stack here and there..

















And some cutting spaces..

Okay, quite interesting..

















But it's too boxy...

















Lets try everything..




















Cut some spaces..














Stack some boxes..




















And a bit of garnish..



















I mean..

















Features..















Textures..














Lightings..
















Hmm ..


















Lets see..

Hmm.. Now, that's what i called, interesting..

Modernism.

Is the current, contemporary..
There is more to behold..

Was

doing cleaning.. and found some stuff..
oh well.. made myself another day, thinking in my box..

Anyway, I love this song.

Hope you guys enjoy it =)

DAMN!

Crazy stuff.. and datelines..
At first, kononnya do assignments at college, but ended drinking at college architecture studio around 1am, had personal made screwdrivers.
Then this guy was a bit drunk. HAHA LOOSER!
Anyway, he said, damn! Lets go to my house and have more! Bullshit la drink like this 50 50 high!

We were like, are you serious shit man? Damn, assignments haven't finish leh!
He insisted, and so.. VRMMMMMMMM~~~!

Fly to Sering Ukay in less than 10minutes.. Oh Mi GoD..
Went inside.. freaking humongous.. With a basement..
I'm like.. FROM OUTSIDE SEE IT'S SMALL MAN! WTF?

Anyway, went upstairs.. I'm LIKE.. OMGWTF!
PERSONAL BAR HUH?? HOLYSHIT! EVERY NIGHT CAN GET DRUNK IF ITS MY HOUSE!
Variety of liquors and liqueur.. Whisky, Vodka, Rum, Gin, Brandy and so on LOL! Wines? Beers? Damn.. Can't count. And i asked the bloody price, how much is this bloody smirnoff vodka? Owh, its only rm38. WTF?! yeah la, duty free ma, and i know people la thats why can bring in =)
haha, next time order from him XD DANG!!

We drank like.. fuck. 3 of us were like asshole drinkers that night. Holyshit seriously, then he said, if you guys wanna pass out, u can go to that room.. We were like, huh? Okay.. Went inside.. FUCK, LIKE HOTEL! COMFY BED! DAMN! SPACIOUS BATHROOM! FUH..!

Okay, anyway.. It's really crazy, from college drink at that time, not enough and drove to his house, and drink till pass out haha. Morning woke up, rush assignments LOL! =)
And yup, got it done and handed in time HAHAHA!
Crazy people do crazy stuff and still rawks~!

Well, he got more than this =.="
DAMN YOU MAN!

Okay, thats for the day.. Havin morning class later.. =.="
Snoozey~~!

How nice..

if I'm done with my studies now.. damn, I'll be working right now and earning my own cash, planning ahead, and fooooooooh.

Car and house, business and investment huh? =.="
Too many indeed..

SUPPOSEDLY HOW LONG MORE?! Maybe that's why people take shortcuts HAHA!
SHAME SHAME! Wheres the fun in life.

BTW I'M SO LAZY TO POST MY ARCHITECTURE STUFF HERE! BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S A PROGRESS WHERE I CAN OBSERVE MY SHITTY WORKS FROM DIPLOMA TILL THE FUTURE ME. CAN MY HEAD STOP PLANNING? But then again, those who fails to plan, plans to fail. Oh well..

DAMN, HOW I WISH MY ARCHITECTURE PROGRAM SCHEDULE IS LIKE MORNING UNTIL AFTERNOON! WHY THE FUCK UNTIL NIGHT! HAIYO! In order to handle pressure and stress for the future working days?

Anyhow, just expressing how fucked up Architecture program is. As in, interesting, but the study and assignment load is a killer. That's why Architecture is known as ARCHITORTURE for students who are studying Architecture.

Again, just expressing. Fuh.. time to get back to work. =.="

MR. GOPALA!!

I want your guidance and advice. I don't know why I feel like you're my sifu daddy LOL!
Teach me how you do it.. I'm craving to know.. >.<"
Can't wait for you to show me and make me your full time student haha =)

Architecture, side business, investments.

Man, can't wait to travel around the world as an AR! =)
Oh well.. Need to really work harder and forget about the past.
Wishing everything will go smoothly..
I'll try my best to make it come true!

AR. KELVIN YONG
cheh.. impian budak kecik betui.. puff.. betul2 mimpi besar.. =.="

Hey!

If whatever I said is wrong, shouldn't be any harm to you. Unless what I said is the truth and you felt it. Whatever I said, is just words.

You don't even know that you fucked me up on the phone when you needed someone to take you, EVEN THOUGH I know you are with him. I forgive you so many times, I still open my arms and welcome you during that time, I don't mind waiting for you. But thanks to all your nonsense and bullshit. There is nothing left for you but hate.

You never appreciate, but only think of yourself.
Rude or not, seriously look at the mirror before you say a damn word.
Always blame and explode before knowing anything from any other side.
No one is going to understand you when you don't even TRY to understand others but shoot people instead. Whatever I lecture you, advice, teach, is no use at all. You're the type that learn through life lessons. That's your pattern.

Me telling lies? Oh. Ok. Just remember, God knows.
If you said you don't even know what you did, you are extremely wrong. It is NOT because you DON'T. It's because you are being DENIAL, you understand, but deny, deny, and deny, ended up with lies, and lost. Additional to that, forgetful and non-appreciative. That is your pattern. I don't think you even know what are these.

21,31,25

15,25,28,05

I'm pretty sure you only know this, 921205126288.
And just forget mine, cause you don't even need it anymore. Or maybe you forgot about it already.

Btw, why Thameesha is involved? Even your best friend you're gonna blame? Simply blame ppl for nothing. That is why you dont really have friends.

Even you dont trust your best friend, how do you expect your best friend to understand you and trust you? When you lose all of your friends, maybe you will really learn a lesson. Keep on telling you no use, since from the start.

Sorry that I posted anything that made you furious, but you never understand why I did it in the first place. Whatever you cursed, lied, fucked, about me. Just forget it.
You, the one that I loved the most, but you're also the one that made me hate you the most.
Thank you for everything.

Btw, I'm not a coward, I just don't want to hear your voice and made my thoughts so tempting and ended up so badly.

Until now, you never did understand what I'm going through all these time.
Btw, I'm pretty sure you don't agree with anything I posted here. I'm not gonna use that word.
No more best wishes from me.

Yeah.

Go ahead and say whatever you want with your "holy" preaches.
Finally you admit that you cheat on me huh? HAHA, c'mon, I know that long time ago. But I keep on forgiving you, trusting you, believing in you.. oh well. You keep on shit, fuck me this and that and spread your lies. Shouted at me, send lame text. What the hell?

Who the hell should I ask? Who should I seek help? Questions pouring in the moment you turned your back on me. Me telling stories huh? Hey, people can hear and listen and THINK. I'm lazy to argue with someone I don't know anymore. Thanks btw for being so extremely bitchy this time and finally, I can hate you for the rest of my life and also, look at who's the one being RUDE with all the cursing words. Don't make me type everything here.

Anyhow, a cheater is a cheater, a liar will always be a liar. Sarcastic indeed.
What goes around comes around.
Have fun in life.

I

tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it..
I don't believe it makes me real..
The promises, dreams and goals..
I take it really seriously..
and I really meant all the things I said..

This place is so empty..
my thoughts are so tempting..
I don't know how it got so bad..
sometimes it's so crazy..
but nothing can save me..
cause its the only thing that I have..

I tried to be perfect.
But nothing was worth it.. Anymore.

Thank you so much!

I want to thank everyone, especially that someone that really lifted me up and totally cleared all of my doubts and questions, that have supported me in the long run of realizing reality. Thank you so much!

After being drowned by sorrow, the denying of my own self conscious. I trust myself more.

It's always gray to me.. But I see the difference of it now. Stupid me for always blinding myself avoiding and ignoring the truth.

Those who knows me, would know that I'm not that kind of person that is described negatively. The person I know is long gone, what is left is a mere heartless soul to me. Spread what you want, the truth lies beyond your knowledge. The moment you reached the gates, it shows you.

I, who loves to keep it simple, and make ends meet. with a smile. =)

am continuing onto the next chapter.

Your voice..

reminds me of everything.. memories..

clung to it.. held it to the very last..

how I wished.. it never ended..

if you said.. I'm just a fool..

this wouldn't happen..

but my tears.. keeps on flowing..

I'm sorry.. I couldn't..

I'm okay.. it's the price..

of trust.. loyalty.. believed.. love..

not anyones fault.. but me myself..

for letting myself drowned..

in blindness..

and there goes..

my tomorrow..

I miss you..

When..

are these wounds going to heal..

Deep inside.

To be honest with myself.. I've been expressing out of anger and depression.. But deep inside.. I still miss you.. I still care.. I still love you..

When we were together.. You started controlling me.. Not going out with friends late at night, cannot wear body fit shirt, have a distance between girls.. I followed everything you said.. I don't even complain, straight away I follow, in order to make you happy, where it will goes same to me. But you always break the rules that you have made.. =,(

You always complain I'm controlling.. It's because I care..
You yourself even said that.. Please control me, cause if not, I might go over the limits. Its a good thing that you're controlling me and you felt care. And so did I. But now you're blaming me for everything.. The promises.. Pinky promises.. =,(

The only thing I control you is that about what you're wearings, I admit myself, but you should know why.. It's because you don't know how to cover yourself.. I expressed, that is what you wanted from me. But when I express, you said I'm annoying.. Try asking any guy out there, will they say stuff about wearing something they don't like towards they're girlfriend or wife that they care sooooo much.. but if other girls, we don't even care, all we do is enjoy sight seeing and washing our eyes. We care, that is why we say it, cause indirectly we felt hurt when people keeps on looking and staring when things are free for sight seeing.

Going out late at night, I don't mind seriously.. But it's NOT me controlling that, your mom is controlling you that. Every time when we go out late at night, how I wish I could spend more time with you.. but when your mom calls.. I understand.

Meeting up with your friends, guys or girls, I don't mind, cause I trust that you wouldn't do anything stupid.. But this is what it ends up.. I trusted you more than myself.. =,(

I've been crying, walking by places where we used to hangout or just listen to music that we used to listen.. My tears just keeps on flowing.. =,(

I know I'm not perfect, I know I'm not good looking, I know I'm not smart, I know I'm not rich.. I admit. I know.. I'm aware of it..

But after more than one year being together.. I've never liked anyone or even look at anyone.. I'm so happy to have a soulmate like you.. Thinking of the sweet memories, the promises.. =,(

I'm the type that is loyal and keeps on holding on no matter how many arguments or fights, cause I believed that, there is always ups and down, everything is a learning process.. everything will change to be better in the future..

That is why people can last for more than 10years, 20years, 30years, 40years.. Cause I always believed, that you will be my first and last, suffer now.. But enjoy in the end.. The diamond ring, the wedding proposal plans.. The promises.. =,(

Took me hours to find this video.. Its almost the same idea, but different place.. Where there is a fountain, with nice lighting, with music and during the night.. So many people that I will be calling.. Oh well.. That's the link below.. It's not gonna come true anymore.. =,(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rygtCOgrCBk&feature=related

Honestly.. I couldn't let go.. I couldn't accept things that are happening around me.. Its just so sudden.. Just like a finger snap..
I know I'm imperfect. I admit..

You're with another guy, I pretty sure you don't know how I feel.. It's NOT because I'm lonely, I have friends.. But the problem with myself is that.. I always put my beloved in the first priority..
Now I'm so lost.. I don't know where am I, I don't know what am I supposed to do.. I'm being honest with myself.. And I don't fake happiness. If I'm happy, I show it, if I'm sad, I show it.

Oh well.. Seriously, I would do anything for you.. But, I don't know why I deserve all these..
I guess.. Rules and promises are meant to be broken.. Nothing lasts forever.. But my feelings are honest.. I don't lie about it. I still care and I still love you.. But you're forcing me to let go of you..

I don't know in the future what is going to happen.. But, it's no use pulling a string that is against the flow, cause in the end it would ended up snap and break. I cannot do anything, it's what you wanted..

I'm sorry for every bad thing that I've done, all the mistakes that I've done.. I never cheat on you.. It's against my moral..
To be honest, I love you.. but you're asking for it.. I'm forced.. to let you go.. =,(...........
People ask, only then I tell them, how I feel, why, when, I'm being honest.. It's sometimes not because they're jealous or what.. It's because they care. Why all of a sudden change, what exactly happen, maybe things can be fixed..

I trusted you.. I gave my everything, I sacrificed, I suffered for you, but I don't tell you, cause I never wanted you to feel the pain that I felt.. I gave my full heart to you.. I never thought it would end up like this.. =,(

Well, I'm being honest and sincere.

Always take good care of yourself, all the best in life, and whoever that is so lucky to have you, hope you will find true happiness.. Take care...

Whatever it is.. I'm not going to read whatever you're going to reply, cause you always want to hurt me ever since you're with him. Whatever you do I'm pretty sure you have a reason behind it.. Its okay.. Just ignore me.. Take care.

This is it.

Well, the truth is always out there. Even if I don't say it, people asks. And when that happens, I tell everything, my side of the story, I cried, whats going on, and what happened. People are not stupid, they have eyes, they have ears, they have brains to think. They know what is right what is wrong, that's why they ask.

Anyhow, this is it. I've had enough. Lies, bullshit, always turn here and there like a filthy snake "putar belit" you should know. I won't curse you, I don't blame you or him. It's your life, you chose this path. Busy to me and not to him. Wants to be single FOR A VERY VERY LONG TIME, give you time, space, you will come back. HAH? See now who you're with even before we broke up. I trusted you will never CHEAT on me, oh well. Cheater is a cheater. Isn't that bullshit? I don't even mention the freaking name incase HE got smacked or fucked up by some people who always asks me WHO IS IT AND WHERE IS HE?! Since the previous posts, I don't even mention his name, you should know why. Yeah right, friend who snatches. Even if he got fucked up, it is not my problem. I told them DON'T, cause I don't blame them. I only blame myself. Let them be.

I'm not capable of taking care of her, whatever she wants, I'll try my best to get it for her. Not eating, not going out, and I did just to get her something that she wants. Trust me she won't even remember the gifts that I gave her, maybe its already in the garbage bin, cause she can get everything she wants now, just say it, he will buy it, don't be shy. Hypocrite. All she did in the end was trying to be friends with me, so that when really her relationship with HIM doesn't worked out, she can come back, SINGLE huh? She knows I always forgive her. Not anymore.
That is the answer you left me, now what? Trying to cover your shits?

Even if I don't mention the name. People knows. Fuck with all the lies and bullshit. Seriously, I don't care anymore. Even if anything happens, just call HIM. Hopefully HE WON'T take, fuck throw you in the long run. Oh well, rich kids. After few days can easily address himself as Julia's ex-boyfriend, while smiling with other girls. Its okay, life time experience of learning each other, no regrets. Not worth crying for you anymore. Always wish you all the best in life, career, relationship, and what the fuck I got? FUCKED UP FROM YOU! You never respected me or appreciate what I did for you. Oh well. After one year+ together only say it out. WHY? I don't know, maybe she was waiting for the right time to dump me when she got someone.

Oh my GOD! Talking these shitty stuff really makes me laugh, the stories you've made up, the lies and bullshit you've made up. Oh well, lame excuses.
Always remember this, what goes around, comes around. But I never wished this would happen to you in the future, all I wish was, all the best in your life, career, and relationship. No matter what, you're still the first to me.. I loved the most.. Well, she got another guy to fuck with, she won't even care about how I feel anymore. So fuck it.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means willing to relax.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means willing to let go.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means accepting the moment.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means letting go of expectations.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means letting go of specific outcomes.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means letting go of attachments.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means stop doing what you don’t want to do.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means doing what you want to do.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means letting the chips fall where they may.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means not caring what people think of you.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means trying something even if you don’t think you’ll succeed.

Saying ‘fuck it’ means not attaching a meaning to everything.

Saying ‘fuck it’ lifts a burden from your shoulders.

Saying ‘fuck it’ gives you freedom.

Hell yeah.

The end of another chapter

You know, on the 29^th may, she said, she wants to be SINGLE, giving lame excuses, I control her too much, she wants to make up for herself, she wants to know who herself is, she is lost.. Honestly, I cannot let go. I cried like a monkey the hands and legs got chopped off, at home.. Waited for my mum to finish her work, and so I picked her up. My mum cheered me up, asking me to let her go, it’s her choice. Wish her all the best and so forth.

After the support from my mum. I text her for the last time, wishing her all the best in life and so. And supported her in a good way.

Around 1am, which is 30^th may, she text me, asking me to go out for dinner?? Hmm, of course, she only wants to be single, and gave me that hope that she will be back by my side. And so I did. I picked her up. On the way, she told me someone is tackling her, I asked.. Who is it? Is it your boss’s son? She said, how did you know?

I was like, OF COURSE I KNOW! Shes been acting really weird lately for the whole month, whoever she text or called, she wont let me know anymore. I always take her from her house in the morning to class, to work, and take her from work, to house. I never complaint, NEVER. Then she told me, her mom is taking her from work. I was like, huh? Since when..? You always said shes busy. Okay fine. Then told me she wants to have dinner with her. Around 11pm sure go back already. Im like.. Okay, take care yeah.

She was texting me around 10pm something, and so I replied, everything was okay, saying she was bored. Then suddenly around 11pm, said she was busy. Okay, I stopped texting her. Around 1am, I texted her, she didn’t reply, 2am, I texted her, she didn’t reply, 4am I texted her, same thing.

Anyone would get worried, and so I used friend finder to track her down, whether shes okay at home already. Nope.. shes at jalan ipoh. I was like.. wtf.

The next day, I asked her, so where did you went? She said, I was at Mutiara Damansara. Oh, okay. She fell asleep, and her phone was left at her friends car. Hmm.. She never left her phone like that. Okay fine, I trusted her. And somemore saying I was lame enough to even track her. It’s not lame or ridiculous to track down where are you so late at night. What you said comes out to be different, of course I will get worried. Moreover that place is like what? All clubs? Jalan Ipoh, and the next day u told me u don’t know, and youre at mutiara damansara. Okay fine maybe youre friend drove there. So I wont blame you.

Then, almost every night, she asks me to wait, wait for her mum, whether shes taking her for dinner or not. Hmm… Dinner when its said to have it together, then surely will take you, why must wait for friends. Why must wait and it is unconfirm. When her mum doesn’t pick her up, I go pick her up, and I don’t complaint. But if anyone is in my shoes, they will feel suspicious too.

As days passes by, suddenly on the 29^th may, saying she wants to be single. Becuz I controlled her too much. I was like, in what sense? She said its because of her dressing, because she cannot go late at nite, anywhere she wants to go, she cannot. She cannot talk with guy, she cannot do this d that.

OH MY GOD! You started all these rules, and now youre blaming me for it? I let u go late at nite, its your mum who doesn’t let u go. Why are you blaming me? Your clothings, u like to wear singlets and dresses, but all I ask from u is that, learn how to cover your private parts especially when ur picking up something or sitting. She always complaints that, and when I said you can wear whatever you want, out of the blue asking me to control her as she doesn’t feel care. Haish… Talking with guys huh? U made rules like that, not to talk with girls. I followed everything, the shirts that I wore, you don’t like, its gone. Talking to girls or even touch, I kept my distances. I never complaint about the rules you have made. But you always break promises, pinky promises.

And so, she wants to be single because of excuses like that, saying that she needs time, she don’t wanna tell anything when shes out, after that, I will be back. I cried, from wangsa walk, to my car, to my house. Cried like what I said in the first paragraph. My mum cheered me up, and said, let her be. She wants to taste freedom maybe, she wants space, she wants time to think thoroughly.

Im like, okay.. fine. On the same day, I texted her, saying, I’m okay. Since you want to be single, Im letting you be. You want to do anything, you don’t have to tell me anymore. But most importantly, take good care of yourself, and all the best.

Around 1am, which is 30^th may, she text me, whether Im free for dinner. Im like, okay sure! I was like thinking maybe her mum didnt come and so she went back by bus late at nite no food.. I was wrong, but not my feelings. When shes in my car already, she told me, got this 1 guy is tackling her. I guessed correctly. She said, how did you know. Its very obvious since you started working there. You changed a lot, youre always busy to me, don’t want me to pick u up anymore, the way u talk, the way u react… Isnt the Julia I know anymore..

As we reached the restaurant, she ask me to talk with her. And so I entertain her, talked with her.. But she was looking at her phone, her eyes.. as if waiting for someone.. and when her phone rangs, she started texting, giggling and laughing infront of me. And Im the stupid asshole talking to myself. And so I asked, so who issit? She said, NOW WHAT? I TEXT ALSO YOU WANT TO CONTROL? ITS HIM, SO? I was like just asking, why are you feeling so offended. U always ask me whoever text me. I kept your promises.

And so, I asked her, do you have any feelings towards him? She denies it. But her face indirectly says yes, while giggling and laughing. It is very hurting. Saying wants to be single, always busy to me, but never.. to him. The moment when she said Suzanna likes him, that is the moment everything changes, I felt insecure. Its not Suzanna to be exact, Its herself. Suzanna was just an excuse, for her to talk about him.. I was right all along.. Especially my feelings.. I trusted her more than my feelings.. =,(

She doesn’t know that my friends wanted to smack that guy out. But all I said was, please don’t. Its not his fault, not anyones fault.. All I blame was, myself. Because of what I have. I have nothing but he has everything. If youre reading this, Im pretty sure youre gonna say this is all drama. Well, up to you. God knows.

Around afternoon, 1^st june , I texted her after a few days, can we still be together? She said, we might not be, asking me to move on, find another girl. Im like… Okay fine, but please don’t ever text me or call me or even find me, cause everytime you do that, it only hurts cause I will indirectly remember all the sweet memories.. The only thing that I can move on is ignorance. I’m really letting you go. I am hereby wishing you all the best in whatever youre going to do in life, whoever youre with, wish you both will really last together. Take good care of yourself. Farewell. She didn’t reply.

On that particular day, which is 2^nd of june, around 12am.. she texted me.

Julia : can u take me?? =) "with a smiley"

Kelvin : yeah sure. Where are you? I thought youre at home?

Julia : No.. Puduraya

Kelvin : omg.. what are you doing there so late? Im coming

After 5 minutes..

Julia : Don’t come!!!

I called, what exactly happen, worrying..

She picks up the phone and shouted, “JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T COME!!!” closed.

I was stoned… I dunno what to do.. I cried infront of my classmates… I cant even do my assignments in the studio..

I was like… why must she do this.. I’m letting you go, wish you all the best in life, whoever youre with. I’m okay already. And this is what you do. The stupid excuse was, “you didn’t reply, so I took the cab. No, I ask HIM to take me, so what?” my friends saw my text, and was shocked that she say things like this..

I’m letting you go, and you still want to hurt me like this.. Honestly, I don’t know what did I do to deserve all these. I really don’t know, after all these things you have done to me, indirectly I still care, but I’m letting you go.. Anyhow anyway.. Take good care of yourself. Even if you text or called. Important or not. You chose this path, be responsible for what you have chosen, you asked for independence, there you have it. For whatever reasons, I am no longer in your life. Even if you text or call, I will never reply or pick up calls.

Last wishes from me, All the best in your life, in whatever youre doing, and also wish you all the best whoever youre with. Take good care of yourself. Farewell.. Julia Marin.

A leg on two boats

Well... this is my life.. Got cheated again.. TWICE in my fucking life! WTF is wrong with girls nowadays. Fake promises, lies.. Hypocrites...

I'm so fucked up... My assignments haven't even finished, and few hours more is my presentation... Why... My life is so fucking miserable. Thought she would be the one.. I only want her... I love her so much... why... must she do this... It is so painful...deep inside its burning, u know how hurting it is being cheated yourself... you found urself a loyal guy, who would devote for you, everything is all about u.. and this is what u do... =,(

Should have just go straight to the point. Why must you go on saying, I want to be single. I want time and space. Fuck you! I should have trusted my feelings... I always have bad feelings past few days... looking at your phone, hiding it at an angle where my eyes couldnt see. I know something wasnt right, but why the hell i still trusted you and keeps on holding on...

What goes around come around... I dont know what have I done to deserve this... Controlling? hah! you're the one started with the rules, "always remember ya! go wherever u wan, please tell me. please dont text girls ya? Please dont stand so close to girls ya? please dont wear tight shirt ya? please dont do this do that" i did what you wanted. but back to yourself, U CANT EVEN FOLLOW WHAT U SAID AND MAKE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO BE SINGLE?!
I'm controlling? hmm shirts. fine, im wrong, its becuz I dont want u to look like a cheap whore.
You dont want me to care, fine you wanna wear, you wear. Then comes back begging please control u cuz U WANNA FEEL CARED?! WTF? What the hell should I DO? Fighting about small stuff, U ASK YOURSELF! UR PROMISES ARE ALL LIES, if its small to u, why cant u even keep your promises?!

Always ask me to keep holding on no matter what happens, we can fix things right, theres always ups and downs, and at 1 point, we'll be back together. Look at yourself. Look whos ditching who. HAH!
My mum was right, always right. Same goes to my feelings. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO DUMB!

I hate you so much. I hate cheaters. But you made me trusted you that you're not a cheater. I fall for your lies. Easily. Like mother like daughter. Mirror yourself.

Who am I..?

Hmm.. I guess I'm someone not in the list huh?
Oh well.. Honestly, I got used to it. "Mentioned"
I don't feel like doing anything for people anymore.

Hopes..

may turn out to be opposite. Oh well, how I wish things can go smoothly, accordingly to what I've planned for the future.. financially stable, beautiful family, colorful, successful, and most importantly, where I can always pamper my beloved =)

Anyhow, she finally understands what I'm going through, made me happy. I really dunno what to hope, but wish we will make things out, compromise, and be happy always.
I don't mind sacrificing, waiting, take the bullet, but.. All I want is appreciation, understanding, honesty, and most importantly, love. The 4 things.. I need most and wished for.

She is always my 1st.. but then.. well..
Sometimes, I'm still confused where am I in her list..
It's okay, as long shes happy =)

White hopes..

Facebook

sometimes really bang my balls. I just hate surfing on her site, and questions starts pouring in who the fuck is this guy, and pulak menggatal add? Yeah, simply add people.. Randomness! FUCK YOU PEOPLE!

Btw, maybe realization won't be achieved even if I said it a thousand times, unless it is FELT.
Oh well, I just feel like deleting my fucking facebook account and just leave life be.
Why am I like this recently? YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY?!

1st : FUCK YOU, I'M DONE WITH YOU!
2nd : I'm sorry, I don't mean it..
3rd : I'm really fucking tired of you!
4th : I'm sorry, you know when I'm angry I don't mean it.

Banging back and forth. And why my mood just changes like this? Well, fuck the social network.
Not just that, please at least FUCKING REMEMBER what I said. If it is done just for the sake of shutting me up right infront of me, and when I'm not around, everything goes wild. Really... Seriously... I'm getting on my nerves.. I really.. Dunno.. What the fuck should I do anymore.. Sometimes I feel like giving up... But in my heart, there is always a way.. =,(
FUCK MY LIFE AGAIN!

Oh

well.. another day passed by, things are just things, thought it would be just NORMAL day but guess what.. MY DAD K.Oed MY LAPTOP!!! FUCKING SHIT!!!

I am so fucking stressed with life, there comes in another fucking shit! FUCK MY LIFE! Haish.. Why me.. T.T when is this all gonna end.. T.T

Anyhow anyway, I love my honey Julia Marin very much, more and even more.. But still, sometimes makes me pissed. Oh well.. I Love You Hunny Bunny~! <3
Better hope my friends will be working and hopefully there is some sales going on! PLEASE SUBSCRIBE YOU HUMANS!!

Unify, Streamyx, Maxis, P1 W1MAX, Celcom.. Watever Broadband, or Home-Broadband or Internet line.
Contact me through my chat box and I'll send the details you want to know =)

Just forget it.

I don't need anyone to remember me or what I have done.

Anymore..

Wounds

can be healed and recover.. Or maybe not.. No matter what medicine is used, time is of the essence. Even though you may have recover from it, the trauma, pain, and scars.. lies within, and thing might never be the same anymore.

Imagine you lost your arm in a fight, and when your opponent knows he is wrong and begged for forgiveness, will that arm of yours come back to you even though you have forgiven them? The casualties are there.

But think of it optimistically, feelings.. understanding.. as we learn from mistakes.. but if we repeat it or is a must to taste it only learning is achieved. Is dumb, in a good way, strong witted. Chances and choices are there, but the same still happens. Stubborn.

Anyhow anyway, I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm observing and follows the stream. I do not have the power to foresee future, we never know what comes ahead, and my plans should not be planned accordingly. As it always turns out to be opposite. 4/5.

Not everyone is lucky to have what they want, have, and achieved.
Once gone, regret awaits. Cherish is better than perish.

Expressiveness kills?

I'm just expressing, so who cares. I don't know how it feels cause I'm always the victim. Am tired of always keeping it, trying to cool myself down, and swallow it, hoping it will go through my bladder and flush it away. Unfortunately, it got digested into my body.. and never came out. There goes.. It stays in me like my body. Permanent scars.

Lesson learned, never do "everything" for someone you love so much. Cause in the end, the one hurts the most is you yourself when the result of hoping for the good.

Now, I had to suffer time without being together someone I love so much.
Got frustrated when she excels in work, and not me, where I restrict myself.
Attention all goes to her, not me, where I always have to.

I should have kept my limits. Not wanting more or giving more, but leave things as they should. Fuck life. I hate life. All I want turns out to be fucking opposite, from head to toe. I FUCKING HATE LIFE! I REALLY FUCKING HOPE I DROP DEAD WITHIN LESS THAN A SECOND.
If only I could control myself totally, I wouldn't have fallen into this shit. Thank you so much God made us so brilliant.

Yeah.. Just forget it.

Dots of me..

Disappointment, frustration, stressed, tension, fucked up, lies, dramas, jealousy, tired, restless, lifeless, meaningless, lost.









I just don't know anymore..